A recent conversation invited me to reflect on the concept of ‘understanding’ and how often we feel ‘misunderstood’ in our lives. It’s a feeling we’ve all likely experienced to varying degrees, at varying points, whether it be with friends, family, or work colleagues.
The feeling of being misunderstood can run deep, almost like a voice screaming inside us that shouts, “THEY JUST DON’T GET ME!” But I wondered, how much of that is truth and how much of it is a narrative that we tell ourselves? And if it were to be a narrative we told ourselves, what purpose might it serve for us to hold onto this feeling or belief?
Understanding as an emotion
I like to think of ‘understanding’ much like our other human emotions, such as shame, guilt, fear, and, on the other end of the spectrum, love, gratitude, and joy. If understanding were just like any other human emotion, what does it tell us about ourselves when we project the feeling of ‘being misunderstood’ onto others?
I mention projection here because often when we feel an uncomfortable emotion, rather than deal with it, sometimes it can feel easier for us to ‘project it’ into the world, onto others around us, or bypass it completely. Anything so that we can avoid the introspection of what this feeling is trying to indicate to us.
“Oh, I feel anger because of what THEY did, or “THEY are making me feel this way,” what if, much like we project out other unfavourable emotions, what if we did the same with understanding?
What is feeling ‘misunderstood’ telling us?
What if we projected that out because we don’t fully understand our own depth? Perhaps we are still figuring out who we truly are? After all, life is a journey, and we never truly ‘arrive’ at a set destination, because that train just keeps moving.
What if misunderstanding was actually rooted in what we don’t understand in ourselves? And perhaps the deeper we go into this process of self-exploration, the deeper and more prevalent this feeling becomes? Because the deeper we go inside, the more we recognise that there is an infinite amount of work, self-discovery, and growth that we can continue to pursue. It leaves us asking core questions like “Is there EVER a limit on the depth to which I can learn to understand myself? How much more of me lies undiscovered? What if those who go deepest are the people who feel the most misunderstood? Is the feeling of understanding correlated to depth?
Because often others can only meet us at the depth that they have met themselves. But of course, the wonderful thing about being human is that we are all on our individual journeys, unfolding in our own time; there is no better or worse, just different.
A them problem or a me challenge?
So it leaves me asking, is misunderstanding a “them” problem, or is it instead a “me” challenge? If it were a challenge that instead we were individually experiencing, what would change? How might we redirect our time and attention? How might we move or show up differently?
And if we did return focus to ourselves, sure that may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but I wonder what’s more uncomfortable, energising something which we aren’t in control of, “another person understanding” or something that we can control, the depth in which we can meet ourselves?
Is misunderstanding the price we pay for depth?
And if so, is it worth it? What return does it yield us?
While we all have different perspectives, mine is that continuing to go deeper and build our internal capacity is one of life’s great gifts, and wouldn’t life be boring if we stayed the same, never evolved, never changed? Where would the fun be in that?
Perhaps misunderstanding is the price we pay for growth, but ultimately, is it a price worth paying? Only you have the answer to that!
If this resonated or sparked something in you, here are ways you can hear more from me or explore working together:
- Follow me, Natalie Neilson, on Instagram/TikTok/LinkedIn/Substack/YouTube
- Tune into my podcast, The Power of You, Available on Apple/Spotify Podcasts.
- Enquire about my signature talks on growth, change, and self-leadership, helping leaders and teams to stay clear, effective, and resilient during periods of change: https://natalieneilson.com/speaking/
- Book a 1:1 growth session @ https://natalieneilson.com/
- Explore coaching approaches at scale for your teams and organisation through TTM Coaching. https://ttmcoaching.com/
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