When we actively pursue growth, it comes with what many of us may refer to as “growing pains”. This could be confronting suppressed emotions and beliefs, breaking and overcoming old habits and thought processes, embracing discomfort and resistance to new experiences, and letting go of the past and grieving what was. But the one thing that we often find the most challenging is outgrowing environments, friendships, relationships, and places.
We try to put conditions on our growth.
As humans, we often try to put conditions on how we want growth to unfold. We want it to happen on “our terms”. However, it’s just not possible; we can’t say “I want more of XYZ”, but also want to hold on to this person, that thing, or the environment.
Think about it. It’s almost like a kid being told they have to clear some space in their room for more age-appropriate toys. They don’t want to throw anything out, but on the other hand, they still want the new toys. Someone needs to be the adult in the situation. If we don’t clear the space ourselves, we will often find it’s been cleared for us, or to continue the metaphor, “mum”, “dad” or “granny” may not be so thoughtful, kind, and sentimental about our things and choosing what we let go of.
If we know we have to clear space for anything new to come in (our new toys – people, places, opportunities), what keeps us clinging on to the old so tightly?
Are we scared of loss?
Often, regardless of what it is, while we may feel frightened or apprehensive to ‘lose’ something, the fear that usually underpins it, is the fear that it won’t be replaced with anything better. We have some form of attachment to the place/person/job. It/they were a part of us and made us who we are today, so when the time comes to say goodbye (for now or otherwise), often what we find the toughest is the feeling that we are saying “goodbye” to a part of ourselves.
When we try to hold on to things such as a friendship, a relationship, or an environment, we often feel nostalgic. We aren’t usually living in the now; we are living in a memory. As we grow, while the love for people/places/ will always remain, the connection may have now faded.
Connections don’t always need to be seen to be felt.
That’s the thing about connection, when we connect and share a chapter (or chapters) of life, whether it’s with a person, job, or place, we will forever share a “connection” but perhaps just not physically in the now. We may no longer see them in our everyday lives, travel, or work there, but we are and will always remain connected as we’ve shared a chapter or several chapters of our lives.
If we were to recognise this and believe this, would it make the process of moving on to our next chapter easier? My immediate thoughts are both yes and no.
Yes, because we’ve shared a special bond and many special chapters, and no, because like any person, relationship, place, or job we were once attached to, there will always be an element of grief attached as life progresses without it/them.
Of course, grief looks different to everyone and is dependent on many factors; however, I believe that a universal truth is that there will always be an element of grief attached as we are ready to move forward on our journeys, sometimes together, but often separately.
You may have heard the saying, “Grief is the price we pay for love,” and that is so true, but this doesn’t need to be a romantic love; it could be a friendship love, a love for your job or workplace, you love for a place or country.
Grief is an ever-present part of our growth journeys
What is that grief trying to tell us? Is it trying to indicate us to feel? Is it signaling a goodbye of sorts?
Grief isn’t solely reserved for those who are no longer with us, grief is something we all have experienced throughout life and our life chapters, to varying degrees. But grief is tricky because we aren’t always grieving “physical reality.” Sometimes yes, but often no. We are grieving what we thought would happen in our minds. A future path that we had envisioned. We are often grieving our predictions, we are grieving our plans, and honestly, sometimes we are grieving the lack of control.
Where does our need to be in control come from?
As imperfect humans, we seem to have this default setting where we want to be in control, to know what’s coming next, and “prepare ourselves”. The truth is, that isn’t how the world operates or how growth unfolds. We will never truly know what’s coming next as much as we ‘plan’.
The question I often ponder is, are we ever really ready to let go of things, people, and places that were once dear to us? Even when we know with certainty it’s the right thing to do?
I don’t believe we’re ever truly ready, and not because we’re not “physically ready” for the next level or stage of our lives, just because we’re often not ready to experience the grief that comes with it. Is that what makes letting go so hard? Our desire for the avoidance of grief?
Because, as you’ll likely have heard or been told, “grief never truly leaves you, it changes you.” It’s something that will live inside us. So are we instead afraid of the change?
Do we always have access?
I understand this is getting deep, but if grief lives inside us, alongside our memories, wouldn’t we always have access to them?
To help bring clarity, think of ourselves a bit like a Google shared document. We are the “owners” of the document and have full access. We can write certain sections, and we can give permissions and access to others to do the same. We can add, we can remove, we can make changes, and sometimes, if the feeling takes us, we can completely start again. We could add new users, or revoke access or permissions, but somewhere inside the document, there is a button that we can press where the “version history” is always available to us.
Granted, I know there are many more fantastic benefits of being a human rather than a Google document, but some of the functions we possess are similar.
If we knew and believed that we could always access our “version history” of the people, the places, the lessons, the skills, and the memories inside us, how would that help shift our perspective?
Shifting perspectives
While growth can often feel challenging, do we just need to look at it differently? If we can always access it, then is it ever truly lost?
Isn’t it exciting that we get to make changes, add new contributors, and clear the page now and then? Because we aren’t starting from scratch, are we? We’re starting from experience. Experience never leaves us, and when we create white space, it creates a possibility for a new version of us to begin.
What would need to change for us to look at this white space/blank canvas as exciting? Yes, it’s important for us to process our feelings of sadness and grief, but again, while those emotions never truly leave us, they just change us. What happens if they were to change us for the better? Change us for a stronger, more resilient version of ourselves?
White space is exciting as long as you trust the artist or author.
So ask yourself, do you trust yourself? And if so, what are you going to paint or write in the space you’ve cleared?
Sure, growing comes with some “pains,” but when you trust the author/artist and know that the experiences never leave you, can we see it as a privilege instead? This leaves me to ask, is it a growing pain or is it a growing privilege?
I’ll leave you to decide. Don’t be afraid of the white space; trust that you will paint or produce something magical.
Seeking growth? Here’s how I can help:
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- Enquire about speaking/workshops
- 1:1 growth sessions (limited)
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